This Is Your Captain Speaking, The Zombie Yard Gnomes are Only on Sale for 5 More Minutes!!!

Just because I want you to lose sleep tonight , I bring you I’d Rather Die a Fiery Death Than Order These Things from SkyMall…

The below cross body bag is probably the one bag in the WHOLE UNIVERSE that will not get stolen. Frankly I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night with this in my closet. What was that store buyer smoking when she saw this at the Mart and said, “Ooh that’s so cute, it will sell to people on too much Xanax reading this catalog on an airplane…”

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Do NOT invite any Taco Bell employee to your next baby shower…

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Wonder why little Prince is getting beat up on the play ground at Paws and Claws Daycare, and is last to be picked for dodgeball??? This.
I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure dogs were made to get wet, just saying…

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This is a Serenity Pod. You put little Cujo or Kitty in it and it eases their stress. Um, hellooooo? What about MY stress when the credit card bill comes in?

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Of course there are the all time classics like the Big Foot Christmas Tree Ornament, Men’s Butt Enhancer, Zombie Yard Elves and the Cat Litter Box that Looks Like an End Table!!!!!

So next time you are at 35,000 feet in an aluminum tube full of people you don’t know , whip out that credit card, that Ceremonial Aztec Yard Statue will be waiting for you on your doorstep to welcome you home.

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I NEED This Paperweight…..From UncommonGoods!

Win a $65 Gift Certificate to UncommonGoods!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The holidays are just around the corner and early shopping can take the pressure off among all the other things going on, like keeping up with our social lives, getting Botox for the parties and searching for XXL Spanx so we won’t pass out at the office celebration… Shopping online has become our norm and one of my favorite places to seek out new and unique presents is Uncommon Goods. Started in 1999 and headquartered in Brooklyn NY, UncommonGoods features handmade and unique designs from artists and designers and about one third of the collection incorporates recycled or upcycled materials.  Here are some of my favorites! For The Dude: Beer Jelly from Vermont-add them to meats as a glaze, add to a cheese platter and more. I think this is a GREAT Guy Gift! Check out all the gifts for him here. For … Continue reading

My Celebrity Boyfriend is Gilbert Gottfried…

My hippie name is Flower. My subconscious personality is German. Can I pass a basic math test? (level 2nd grade) I am 95% funny. My real occupation should be therapist. I know all the correct answers to the language quiz. My spirit animal is orangutan. My Disney Villain is Ursula. My Disney Character is Goofy (natch) The state I should live in is Texas. My celebrity boyfriend is Gilbert Gottfried. The house I should live in is Haunted… Is this what Facebook has been reduced to? Quizzes, memes, quotes, and selfies? I was looking at my news feed this weekend and out of 1244 friends, I bet only about 20 of them post consistently. It seems to have gotten quieter out there on the old book of faces and actually I have been as well. There are only so many pithy things I can think of saying on a given … Continue reading

I’m Too Sexy For My Yearbook…

When you held her swaddled in that pink blanket in the hospital and as a toddler full of spit and fire you took photos of her like this: And then as a Senior in high school, you paid a professional photographer for a photo like this?   As a semi professional photographer myself I’ve made the choice to limit my senior shoots to those that I know. I don’t really promote it but that’s because I don’t want to face the uncomfortable shots that some of these kids want. And my research of many senior photogs is that they are too-but the high school senior isn’t, and sometimes, neither are their parents. It’s that time of the year-Senior Photos-a lucrative industry these days. Oh no, you don’t just get the draped graduation picture any more. Parents are paying upwards of thousands of dollars for professional shots of their high school … Continue reading

Toto, We’re NOT In Nordstrom Anymore…

Shhhh, don’t tell anyone. I bought a pair of orthotic shoes last week. It was a sad touchstone in my life. I have been a shoe freak since my first pair of brown and white saddle shoes, all the way to the latest adorable Tory Burch flats. Shoes don’t judge. You can be a size 8 or a size 16 and wear a fabulous pair of shoes and feel like a million bucks. I had to break down and find some. With my recent jogging journey, coupled with my little tennis fantasy and the age of my high arched feet, I developed plantar fasciitis. First, I thought it was just some temporary heel pain. But it went on for a couple of months. Then, in working at my little antique store one day in flip-flops ( a big no, no) I felt crippled in that foot and went straight to … Continue reading

I Ran My First 10K. And Survived…

(I have been off-line for a bit, traveling, getting my head together, and actually blogging for a non-profit about our Mission Trip to Guatemala – I think I’ll be  back to my regularly scheduled sarcasm soon!) Check this one off the bucket list y’all. The Peachtree Road Race. I have lived in Atlanta on and off for over 40 years (mostly on) and every Fourth of July I watch as thousands (like 60K) of people get up early, get on Marta, and go run or walk this famous 6 plus mile race on our famous Peachtree Street. And every year, I said I was gonna do it. One year I got a number but it was right after 9/11 so I totally wimped out and fearing dying on the streets in my Target gym shorts and Spam T-shirt, I gave away my number. Take that Al Qaeda. Anyhoo, fearing I … Continue reading

When did Thank You Become a Thing of the Past?

I like your daughter. But you, my dear, are an asshat. Why, you say? The past 2 weeks my teen had one of her best friends who moved to another state stay with us for 2 weeks. A lovely young lady with manners and a quiet persona, I truly enjoyed her company and so did my daughter. I also fed her, traipsed the two of them around town, and cleaned up after them. Her mother came to pick her up last Sunday morning at 9am. Texted her daughter from the street to say she was waiting on her. Did she come in to my home and thank me? Did she text me or acknowledge that we were even present in our house during her daughter’s visit? Did she even text me to say that they were alive and back in their city?   No. No and No. When my daughter … Continue reading

Empty Nest? I Wish…

Every year, I have a blue bird couple that takes up residence in the blue bird box on my screened porch. And every year, I watch as Daddy blue bird stands watch over the household and Mom blue bird works tirelessly building her nest, incubating her eggs, feeding her chicks and then coaxing them out of their home for bigger and better adventures beyond our back yard. And when those babies fledge, which I have had the opportunity to watch twice, Mom and Dad will perch on the opposite side of the box, usually on my trellis and squawk and squawk at each kid until they finally take that leap and fly out of the nest. Sometimes they stumble, fly in to my potted plants, get confused, look scared, but after a few moments, they gain confidence and fly off. For the next month Mom and Dad teach them the … Continue reading

Looking For A Miracle in Costco

Once in a while you can never pass up an opportunity to laugh at with your mother. Yesterday Mom and Dad went for their weekly scouting mission at Costco to stock up on cheap wine and lots of beef. Yes, they are in their late 70,s and still eat red meat and are healthier than ever. Mom, being the fun young energetic silver sneaker chicklet that she is, happened upon the Miracle Suit at Costco. For a mere $39.95 this too can be the bathing suit of your dreams, they are typically over $100 each. So, sucked down the rabbit hole of eternal hope she took one home. With high expectaions she started pulling it on. And pulling, and pulling. With my Dad in the background making hilarious comments as this ensued. It is, after all, one of the reasons they’ve been married 50 plus years… After 15 minutes of … Continue reading

It’s Almost Mother’s Day, And The Award Goes To…

We are overworked, overlooked and overtired 24/7 and yet we still do not get recognized for our efforts. In the acting, singing, hell, even the  business world, awards are given out like candy. Those people need to satisfy their insecurities with these awards. Feel better about themselves. Get bonuses, pay raises, magazine covers. But what about US? The Mom’s out there??? There’s an award out there for us. One that we secretly win several times a month, even several times a day. It’s one we should be proud of, should wear as a badge of honor. Yet we mutter or YELL it at the top of our voices – to usually no one in the immediate area – then we go on with our day. Yes, it’s the most sacred of all awards. The Mother Of The Year Award. I personally have won this award for my achievements in mothering … Continue reading