The More Things Change, The More They Stay the SAME

Yesterday, I stumbled wearily in to my home laden with luggage, books, swag and a little hung over from learning, laughter, late nights and red wine. Never mind the planes trains and automobiles that I had to negotiate to arrive safely back in my nest.

BUSTED

BUSTED

But when I walked in my home I noticed that something was different. Or really, everything was the SAME.

Exactly as I had left it when I took off this past Thursday.

Had someone broken an arm?  Was my dear teen stricken with Ebola? Did BC run off with the Mail Girl?  Had The Rapture happened and I was Left Behind???

It was obvious that the fairies that take care of my home had gone on strike. The Pick Up Fairy must have handed in her notice because the Tupperware cup on the end table was STILL there from Thursday.

The Laundry Fairy had to have quit as well, she left the evidence for all to see.

laundry

And The Kitchen Fairy must be in Cabo with the Pool Boy because the sink is full and the pool is still green.

 

Bitch stole my Pool Boy

Bitch stole my Pool Boy

Thankfully my family WAS intact, BC on the couch watching the Masters and 18 applying her fake fingernails and getting polish all over her carpet for the umpteenth time. At least they are alive and the first comment I got was, “What did you bring me?”

They really really missed me, I can uh, tell.

This CEO is going to have some crappy performance reviews coming down the pipe soon. If they aren’t careful, I’m going to take the crock pot out of retirement and start using it again.

 

@Copyright Forever 51

 

 

 

My Secret Second Life – or Why I Still Have a Fanny Pack

In all of my spare time-since there is so much of that-I am a closet thrift store and Goodwill stalker. It’s an addiction that I probably will never give up. Because at least once a week I find an item that makes me want to take it, run up to the counter and pay for it so fast before the shop employees find out what it is. I mean, I get the nervous sweats when this happens. Better than sex I tell you! This past week, I had not one, but THREE of those finds. The first was at Goodwill – I found a nearly brand new Longchamps backpack just hanging there on the rack for $4.95. It retails new over $100 and is a chic fave of college girls. THEN, I found a pair of pink and green Lilly Pulitzer capris for $3.95 at a thrift store. THEN, I … Continue reading

Never Trust a Fart – and 21 Things You Need to Know at Midlife

Get a bra fitting – be amazed and fascinated at what your true size is! Believe me, I thought I was in the 34′s until recently. Denial is a river in Egypt. 2. Get a brow job and makeover- Sephora is your new best friend. Or the Mac counter if you can take the music and the transgenders doing your lipstick. A gal at Sephora got ahold of me last week. I asked the innocent question-What is your BEST brow pencil? And I got a wonderful tutorial and an instant face lift. Do it, it’s worth it! 3. QUIT with the high school hair-all I’m gonna say is if you still have the SAME hairdo as you did in your senior picture in 1978, get thee to a salon now! Farrah is (literally) dead. So is Annette Funicello – let’s get into 2014 and try something current. 4. Get a … Continue reading

Hot Flash Friday – OutSmarting Your Teen 101 (Again)

Are you stalking your beloved hormone infused adolescent on social media??? You should. Because this is where I find out about the latest stuff that they are in to and some tricks and tips for us parents that we NEED to know. You can read about the sites your teenage daughter is probably on here. My friends, the latest prank is messing with the shortcuts on your smart phone. So when you are texting or messaging someone and you type in a word like ‘sure’ it could magically change to ‘f#$ck yeah’ or in the case of one of my daughter’s friends, her boyfriend’s name change magically to ‘gorgeous penis’. When she texted her mom if ‘gorgeous penis’ could come over for dinner, uh, um, well, you can imagine. So how do you make shortcuts, where are they in your settings, and what are they good for??? Here you go. … Continue reading

Networking and Scotch-It Works For Me!

It’s nice to have friends in cool places. This is why I love networking-you never know who you are going to meet and how you can connect with each other to experience things you never thought possible. Take for instance last year. I was tweeting with some other bloggers when I saw a call for bloggers to go to NYC to participate on a TV show. If you know me, I replied immediately to my soon to be new blogging BFF Julie Deneen of Julie Deneen 2.0 and Fabulous Blogging fame. The next thing I know I am at the CBS TV center in Manhattan at 7am waiting to participate as a tweeter/blogger for the Anderson Cooper Show! Last month I had the opportunity to review the new Jason Bateman movie, Bad Words, for Midlife Boulevard in Beverly Hills. I reached out to Leslie Marinelli of The Bearded Iris when … Continue reading

STEEL Magnolias???

I shot a Glock and I LIKED it… I am NOT a die-hard right-wing nut job. I am NOT a huge proponent of weapons. I do believe there should be SANE gun control. I do not LIKE loud noises. I have all of my teeth and I do have a CUTE pickup truck. Without a gun rack. Monday is Ladies Day at our new local gun range. Ladies shoot free! Show up there and just check out who is pulling the trigger like no tomorrow: the tennis team captain, the soccer mom, even the gals from the Bridge club in the neighborhood. Seriously. BC (the ball and chain hubby) took me for the first time a couple of months ago. I had been resisting this whole ordeal because, frankly, the whole gun thing skeeeeeeers me.  I never grew up around them, they kill and maim people, and I knew nothing … Continue reading

Welcome to EATcopalypse 2014!

The Southeast got over 4 inches. The Northeast is bracing for up to 14 inches. All diet centers have closed for the time being. No meetings, weigh ins, consultations. Some gyms are open. Power is a issue all over the Eastern US. Yet, grocery stores have been wiped out. Especially prior to these storms. We will NOT go hungry. It’s not Snowcopalypse 2014, its EATcopalypse 2014! Why do these storms make us think we will run out of food? It’s not like we, as a society, really keep bare pantries.  And bread and milk? Funny, the gluten free posts have stopped on my timeline. Even Wheat Belly has taken a break. Working out? Those of you who find it necessary to tell us about your long walk/run in the wind and snow, just watch this:  Embed Youtube by Dennis God is good. It’s dangerous out there folks… In my household, … Continue reading

Hot Flash Friday-Oops, Tuesday – What’s a Skong????

HFF is when I round-up the week in my world and bring you fun things me and my wacky friends did last week (sorry I am a little late).  So I hereby dub today Better Late Than Never Because I Was Out of Town and It’s Hard to Post from a Smartphone Tuesday… I visited one of my college BFF’s last week in Los Angeles. Many of you know I’m married to and airline pilot solely for the travel benefits. Hey, 25 plus years of free flights is worth the hassle of him wearing polyester uniforms, ugly underwear and t-shirts he has saved since high school. So Live from Burbank! I scooted out here to review a Jason Bateman movie for Midlife Boulevard, shopped vintage studio clothing in Burbank, drank margaritas overlooking the LA Equestrian Center with a Willie Nelson impersonator while listening to the Swinging Armani Brothers, met an … Continue reading

The Top 14 Reasons We Watch The Bachelor

  We gather around our televisions on Monday night with our smart phones or smart pads at the ready. Ready to toss out a comment, snarky or otherwise about a show that has a huge female audience watching other females ‘looking for love’. Why do we watch it? Why do we tweet, Facebook, and blog about it? Why do we have such an obsession with who he or she ends up with, and if they going to make it? It’s like watching a train wreck. The tears, the trips, the INCREDULOUS comments from 20 somethings saying they are in love with someone they have spent a total 20 minutes with after copious amounts of alcohol. Although I remember MY twenties and we won’t go there… So I was thinking last night about why we watch, and here it is: The top 14 reasons we are addicted to The Bachelor 1. … Continue reading

Hot Flash Friday – Whew, I Need to Retire to my Chaise, I have the Vapors….

Well press my watch and slap your momma, what a week! Seem like lots of you enjoyed my Scarlett-infused post about our little ice storm this week in Atlanta. I am here to say that even in 2014, there are still some peeps out there that get high blood pressure when we try to defend our area here, even if it is a major international city (yes, we even have an Ecuadorean restaurant that serves up braised Guinea Pig). Oh well, and remember people, 150 years ago we LOST….. Typically I try to do a week wrap on this here site. When I can-because, you know, I am sooo busy…..So here goes: There was an article on the Huffington Post about how wearing torture devices like Spanx are not good for your internal organs. Well, DUH–I could have told you that. Last time I did I tried to eat a … Continue reading