Pass the Perfume and Bring Me a Fan



This weekend I found out that I am getting to the age where going to the bathroom in a clean restroom is a right, not a privilege. You would think that since the porta potty was invented in 1962 by George Harding that it would have come a longer way in 60 plus years.

But it hasn’t.

Initially this device was invented for people who built and worked on ships-because finding a place to shit on a ship closer to the area you worked in was a necessity. Designed on the outhouse concept, ship workers were having to leave and walk all the way back to the docks to go drop the kids off at the pool. Made of wood and metal at first, they found that they were smelly.


So in the 1970′s they were made of fiberglass. They are still smelly. But on the flip side (ok, porta potty joke inserted here heh heh) they are lighter and easier to transport. And clean. The cleaning part is selective at events. Some do every day, some wait till the end.

Obviously where I was this weekend, they waited till the end.

Now I know us gals are for equal rights and all that but I am sorry, I just CAN’T go in a plastic crapper right after a 300 lb guy with tats, a Big Gulp and an ‘I’m with Stupid’ shirt on comes rambling out the door.



I. Just. Can’t.

At the end of the day, I’m still a delicate southern belle with (some) manners and a personal hygiene fetish. Showers are important to my mental and physical health. And so are clean hands.

And clean hienie.



I consider it the lowest depths of hell to go in a plastic box with an open toilet in 86 degree heat to get some relief. I’d rather wear astronaut diapers to an event than go in one of those things again.

I participated in an antique festival this weekend and besides the slow sales, me and the girls all around me were laughing AND complaining about the relief stations. I swear, we would have paid a dollar a poop to go in an air-conditioned, clean women’s room if they had it. Because in reality the people who make the most money at these things are the guy selling the funnel cakes, corn dogs and water at two bucks a bottle. Which is why they need these things.

I’m sensing a business here. Can you see me, in a pink trailer with ladies rooms, air conditioning, working sinks, fans-at a dollar a drop? I’m going to call it The Princess Pooper and am going on Shark Tank for funding.

Don’t steal my idea. I know lawyers.

So please Festival people, concert promoters, party planners, and all, at least can you DESIGNATE the chick shitter???? Would it kill you? Could the Porta Potty makers make pink potties with fans for goodness sakes?

Just until I get my funding.

You’re invited to my launch party. Bring a fan.

FUN FACT: The world record for the most porta potties assembled at one time occurred in 2009. During the inauguration of President Barack Obama, 5,000 porta potties were rented for the attendees of the event.

Oh those crazy Democrats…

I only need 12 MORE LIKES on my Facebook page right up there to the right to get to 2000-LIKE Forever 51 and I promise to keep us both entertained.

Welcome to EATcopalypse 2014!

The Southeast got over 4 inches. The Northeast is bracing for up to 14 inches. All diet centers have closed for the time being. No meetings, weigh ins, consultations. Some gyms are open. Power is a issue all over the Eastern US. Yet, grocery stores have been wiped out. Especially prior to these storms. We will NOT go hungry. It’s not Snowcopalypse 2014, its EATcopalypse 2014! Why do these storms make us think we will run out of food? It’s not like we, as a society, really keep bare pantries.  And bread and milk? Funny, the gluten free posts have stopped on my timeline. Even Wheat Belly has taken a break. Working out? Those of you who find it necessary to tell us about your long walk/run in the wind and snow, just watch this:  Embed Youtube by Dennis God is good. It’s dangerous out there folks… In my household, … Continue reading

The Top 14 Reasons We Watch The Bachelor

  We gather around our televisions on Monday night with our smart phones or smart pads at the ready. Ready to toss out a comment, snarky or otherwise about a show that has a huge female audience watching other females ‘looking for love’. Why do we watch it? Why do we tweet, Facebook, and blog about it? Why do we have such an obsession with who he or she ends up with, and if they going to make it? It’s like watching a train wreck. The tears, the trips, the INCREDULOUS comments from 20 somethings saying they are in love with someone they have spent a total 20 minutes with after copious amounts of alcohol. Although I remember MY twenties and we won’t go there… So I was thinking last night about why we watch, and here it is: The top 14 reasons we are addicted to The Bachelor 1. … Continue reading

When your Christmas Letter is Hijacked by your Cat…..

 A Holiday Letter from Bob, the Payne Family Cat (as dictated to his staff): First of all, I am very perturbed that neither me, nor my brother made this year’s Christmas card. There is a price to pay for that and it’s called the dining room chairs. We are great.  We still live in the same house, same neighborhood, with the same stupid Maltese next door. I want to do my best to update all of you humans on what my humans are doing. I have taken over from the former feline, who split last year, probably because I arrived. Female human Mary Anne is on the computer quite a bit. Which is a problem because the keyboard is for my pleasure, not hers. She is happy looking at something called Facebook, and writing things for her blog. She has had some success being published in anthologies but still has … Continue reading

Match Dot Loser

You ever have one of those days when you just feel blergh and fugly???? Need an emotional pick up? Then go to Facebook and  see if anyone is trying to get you to hook up! Who knows, you could meet some dude or dudette in a faraway land, like, maybe the Middle East, and then you would never have to worry about makeup again. After all, those head wraps do solve many female problems… Did you know there are more messages in your Facebook inbox than you think? Have you opened it up? When you are on your PC, open up your messages and look to the right and open the Other tab. This is where your FB spam goes. And if you are lucky, you will get a message like this: And this:WOW – what a pick up for my day! I am sitting here in worn out sweats, … Continue reading

I Want To Thank All Of The Little People Out There…

I FINALLY won a real life, aw shucks, kiss my ring, legit blogging award! Ok, so in the end, they are still kinda popularity contests but I am in this year’s group of Circle of Moms (a huge site) Top 25 Southern Moms 2013 blogging awards! Out of 59 bloggers no less. OK, I came in 7th. But that’s just fine and dandy with me.  And, I am pretty sure I am the only mom on the Top 25 who hasn’t bought a box of Tampax in over 2 years. Yay midlife moms–we rock! I want to thank all of you who supported my incessant begging over the last couple of weeks and I promise it won’t happen again. OK, maybe it will. Not sure yet. I made it through the evening gown section: The bathing suit competition was HELL. But I did win the talent composition: Really wowed the … Continue reading

The Weekend I Was Popular

I lead a pretty quiet life by choice. I had a good 5 years after college where I did the single thing in a big city which I will never write a memoir about because I want to stay in the will. But for some reason all the stars aligned and I actually had fun each nite of this past weekend. And didn’t go to jail. First, I went to the most kick-ass party  Friday night! It was my first real one. Most of the time I just lurk. Oh, I do join in on the Bachelorette/Bachelor snarkfest on Mondays, but so do about a million other people. Because I didn’t go the holy grail of blogging conferences this past weekend, BlogHer 2013, a group of us decided to have our own party on Twitter and it was called HomeCon ’13. Brought to us by the creative and hilarious Jenn … Continue reading

I’ll Have Some Metamucil With That Melanoma

  It’s been a rough couple of weeks of personal maintenance. Met the deductible on insurance so I start making all the appointments. Like they say, aging is not for sissies. Skin cancer runs in my family so the minute I saw a funky spot on my hairline I made a bee line dermatologist appointment and got in the next day. It just kinda popped up and since I am an avid WebMD researcher-I have all the apps on all my devices-I had promptly diagnosed this particular spot as cancer. Bigger than a pencil eraser, smaller than a brain tumor… I arrived at the office with thoughts of how in the hell is this guy gonna dig this out right up there in the middle of my hairline on my forehead without turning me into Cyclops? I was also hoping this could turn in to an insurance paid facelift. Said … Continue reading


What a week–been hard getting to the old computer what with all the glorious travel, shopping, eating and other exciting things I’ve been doing lately. Be jealous. So, a recap. Me, BC and 17 took a 48 hour trip to Belgium at the end of last week. That’s how we roll as an airline family. BC is a captain for a major international airline and usually goes back and forth to South America. Which really doesn’t blow my skirt up all that much but I do need to see Buenos Aires. So, he actually got a short one to Brussels and me and 17 were like, Chocolate, waffles, beer? We’re IN! Unfortunately the last time I was in Europe for more than 3 days was about 20 years ago. In our world, it’s a free flight, free hotel, so what the hell. People think we are crazy. But it’s a … Continue reading

Green Eggs And Whaaaaaat????

I am one lucky gal. I have some of the funnest, most outrageous girlfriends, a few of which took me to lunch today for a belated birthday. And, um, ahem, to give me a lovely age appropriate gift. That one of them ACTUALLY ordered ON LINE and had it shipped with MY name on it. Yeah. These girls got big cojones. Which is why I hang out with them. Anyhooooo. Lunch came and went and then they paraded in to the Mexican restaurant with a lovely box with the words Paris written all over it, tied up with bandanas and part of a red feather boa hanging out of it. I should have known what I was in for as they hurried finishing their meal and kept eyeing each other. Oh, and as I started opening it the cell phones cameras came out immediately and they started clicking away. I … Continue reading